– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*