*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.