I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
These are too funny not to post 😂
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I am crying
Comparing yourself to others
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it