“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
😏😏😏
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target