Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
wut hotdog?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket