*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
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4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Risking my life for fun.