Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
That’s not how days work.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say