Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You Might Also Like
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*