surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
You Might Also Like
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?