Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough