According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Customer is always right
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots