I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel