What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
You Might Also Like
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
everyone’s a critic
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Social Media and Real life
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.