my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.