God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
R.I.P.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.