my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
new record!
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.