Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
U talkin 2 me?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”