the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
You Might Also Like
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Realize this:
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.