Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
You Might Also Like
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Seductively sings in Klingon.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.