A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
That’s what I call a flat tire
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life