doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*