Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me