[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.