Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox