Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “