the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*