this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Spring cleaning checklist…
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?