*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.