Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sign at work today
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
haha same
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Pass gas, not judgment.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Heroic Misunderstanding