[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
A Short Story.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
are they though??
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference