Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it