“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I like long walks away from everyone
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.