“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.