My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
You Might Also Like
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Very good news from my accountant
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?