Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what