Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
We’ve come full circle
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.