Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I need to get some bricks…
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started