If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.