Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake