Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I had to Stop for this
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you