I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.