I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.