The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems