Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
This was the best day of my life
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.