A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’