If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”