*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
You Might Also Like
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Butt weight. There’s more!
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.