Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
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If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
😂🤣😂🤣
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever