If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.