A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered